Drug

Wow. Wow wowowowowowowowow.

YESTERDAY I BINGED/PURGED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER 1.5 WEEKS. TODAY I HAD A GOOD DAY BUT WHEN I GOT HOME I GOT BAD THOUGHTS, CLOSE TO BINGING. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG OR WHAT WAS MAKING ME STICK WHEN BEFORE IT WASNT ANYTHING.

Both days I didn't have my normal workout on days I needed to work out. One was rushed in a different guy and one was kayaking. My home gym and my workout is my drug. when i dont get my fill when i need my fill, im hungry to other things. and when i dont have social things to do.....

7/12/11

Tonight was what was supposed to be a good turn out at our quiz. It wasn't. Not even Evan's parents came and they ALWAYS come. This was disappointing but the reason this sort of hurt so much was because we didn't hit the # of teams we need for me to keep my job. If we don't hit 20 teams next week, Geeks will no longer pay for an assistant. I was also sort of hurt b/c a lot of people told me they would come and they didn't. I just don't get why people say they will come but don't. You're not going to disappoint me if you say "oh yeah, I'll try to make it out." You are going to piss me off and hurt me a little when you promise you'll be there (ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SAY YOU'LL COME TO HELP ME KEEP MY JOB) and you don't show up. Or even acknowledge that you didn't show up when you said you would.

None of this bothered me that much (one group of friends DID show up and they were the ones i really wanted to see, so, that was good) until I got home. That's where I get in trouble. When I WANT to stay out (or...have Evan come in...both for the company and sex) but the night ends at 11:30...I find myself at home with every negative/scary thing in my life weighing me down. It's one of the very very very few times recently that I'm not positive. I'm not logical. I feel like I'm losing everything. It's strange. It's like a car hitting something at 60MPH. My brain is going going going but when I find myself alone at my door at 11:30PM, BAM. I hit a wall and all the shit that was going going going in my brain just crashed into my loneliness at 60MPH. I don't know how to handle the crash because it's something I rarely feel these days.

I panic. I cry. I roll around (haha) on the floor a bit, crying, trying to deal with the pain. It's a strange pain, too. A new pain (I will explain in session). I know what will make it go away, or what will reduce the pain (drinking, smoking, CUTTING...I got a strong urge to cut tonight which is rare), I think of all those things, but I wouldn't say I EVER contemplated any of them. Sure I could identify what I WOULD want, would HAVE wanted, but that's all I did. I mean I had hard cider in the fridge (leftover from concert in the park - i dont drink the wine people bring because it gets me tipsy too quickly - too dangerous) and not once did I consider chugging all 3. That idea turned me off completely. I was already kinda wishing I hadn't had any margaritas at Red's (i'm working on having nights where i would normally drink and just not ordering a drink. i dont want to get in the habit of "i'm out, people are drinking, i'll have one too." i can't afford that now but most importantly, with my social schedule i can very easily drink every day. i DO NOT like that both because of my alcoholic tendencies and my diet. sugar, alcohol..dont need that everyday!). I did the same pass over of pot and cutting and the next thought was "i want to run."

I had 5 margaritas in me (5 margs from 6-11PM), little food and it was midnight. But it was amazing how I desperately ran to my shoes the same way i desperately ran for a bottle in similar situations. As soon as I step onto the driveway i start to feel the release. as soon as i hear that first note my pain turns to energy that needs to be burned. so i run. i hurt really bad tonight so i went on a longer run...not just a 4-5 minute "run for your life" run. I ran one block, got home, still hurt, ran another block. about halfway through the second time i started to PHYSICALLY hurt. this is where i get confused on whether i'm doing something good or bad. as soon as i felt sick i thought "there it is."

it's almost as if i was trying to cut myself with a spork. yeah i was getting some scratches and some skin shreds (sorry) for a bit, but its not until you see the blood flow (and it's gotta flow, not little droplet bullshit) that you feel THE release. so i get that "oh my god i'm going to be sick i want/need to stop" and i love it. i run harder. it's not about endurance, it's not about not quitting during a cardio workout, nothing like that, nothing that has kept me running past that point before. It's just that release. sick = flowing blood.

i didn't throw up or anything, but i felt those margaritas! another reason i like this running, ESPECIALLY at night (i have a really hard time sleeping - we need to talk about my exhaustion black outs i've been having and my insomnia), is that i'm so sickish and tired when i get home, i just want to pass out. my mind is too tired to run. and thats what i did.

unfortunately i only slept for about 2 hours, woke up around 3 and have been up ever since (it's 6:45 now). I was going to skip the gym today to rest but i plan on going in around 8. it has nothing to do with obsessing over my body, i'm not MAKING myself go. i WANT to go. running is fucking up my ankles so its a lot better for me to use the elliptical type machine at the gym.

i worked out sat-tues and i can see and feel how much stronger i am. it feels great - working out feels so great. it's the release thing but it's also that...workouts are still hard of course but they're not....HARD. my body now is like "hey kate, it's time to work out, right? come on come on come on it's time it's time! is that the elliptical type machine i see?! oh boy oh boy!!! i cant wait to get this warm up out of the way so we can GO HARD!!!!" when it used to be (and what i think working out is for most people) "ugggggggggggggggh its time to work out. i realllyyyyy dont want to but i'm too fucking fat. what if we just skipped today? just used this as a binge/purge-a-thon day and just really attack the gym tomorrow....hmmmmm"

it's strange. it's awesome. i just remembered that i need to look up some exercises before i go to the gym. if i think of anything else about last night/tonight/morning (i need to sleep!) i will come back and add. until next tiiime.